The Dark Days of Fibromyalgia

Of all the pain that I endured over the past three decades, the crippling, paralyzing back spasms, the pounding headaches, some days reeling from dizziness so bad that I would run into doorways, nothing compared to the relentless, soul crushing, life stealing, complete body pain of fibromyalgia. I remember countless doctors, countless “normal” lab reports, countless naturopathic treatments, countless hopes that someone, somewhere could fix me and my life could return to normal again. In the worst days, my husband gave me a laminated card that had “good day” on one side and “bad day” on the other which I could just leave out on the kitchen counter, and when he got home, he’d be able to see which side was up. If “bad day” was showing, he’d know not to even hug me, the pain and the stimulus of the day had overwhelmed me. How sad is that? How enraging is that? And how senseless, how utterly needless.

I look back on that poor, sweet, perfectionistic, hurting woman with great compassion. I mourn for her lost years, and am grateful for my new understanding of how pain is formed through neural pathways. All that grasping and searching for healing and it was all right there in my beautiful, powerful brain.