Getting What I Really Wanted

How journaling through my pain gave me what I really wanted all along

I hesitate to share this. Mainly, because if you’re just at the beginning of understanding the pain/fear/emotions cycle this post might seem far fetched and out of reach. If you’re just starting this work, I might even advise you to scroll on by. However, it’s on my heart to share this thought, as encouragement for all the beautiful souls who struggle with chronic symptoms.

All my life, I tried to be good. From little girl, through middle aged woman, I wanted to see myself as a good person, doing good things, making a difference in the world. And I got sicker and sicker and sicker. What started out as whispers of back pain in my twenties, turned into the louder voices of low immunity, migraines, fibromyalgia, chronic lyme, hashimotos, leaky-gut, you name it. Finally in a desperate plea, my body began to shout with pain, sending me to my bed for long stretches. I was unwell. I felt completely and utterly broken. I could not dream of a day that I would be completely pain free. I could not dream of a day that I would have dreams. I was simply surviving.

Enter journaling. This simple form of raw release of emotion in a completely safe and anonymous way unleashed a new understanding of myself. It slowly and carefully evolved my thinking from one of judgment to one of compassion, not only for myself, but for everyone in my orbit. It took months of deciding to show up for myself day after day and to sit with my pen and paper and I did it. I did it and I did it and I did it some more…carefully and patiently getting to know Ann. The rewards are so very worth it. Pain free, of course, yay. But more. I am so much freer of a person now. I am brave and kind and making a difference in the world. Look at that. Journaling through the pain gave me what I really wanted all along.