Divided Emotions

In my quest to uncover my emotions, especially those that are hidden or suppressed, I became aware of all the many times that I have divided emotions, a divided mind as it were, where two entirely different sentiments, that can often be diametrically opposed to one another, reside. This is a great source of internal conflict as my “good/understanding/peaceful” self completely squelches those “dark/childish/selfish/angry” emotions. I personally hate to be shushed. It’s the one thing that’ll get my temper to flare quicker than anything else. And look at how this plays out. My “goodist” personality completely and utterly shushes my shadow self, effectively silencing half of my emotional personality. And it bears repeating that I feel divided about MOST things, so I am having to police half my thoughts on MOST things, in effect causing myself internal anger, internal stress, internal tension. All of this previously happened below the surface by the way, completely and conveniently hidden from my awareness. Ignorance was bliss, but painful, as my physical body bore the brunt of all this internal warring.

Now, I am beautifully aware of all my many layers. I feel loving and hate-filled, forgiving and vengeful, proud and ashamed, hopeful and frightened, grateful and petty, you get the point. All swirling in me, not being expressed, and not being shushed, just being.